


God rest you, merry gentlemen

by oooknuk



Series: Beginnings [2]
Category: due South
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, M/M, Sappy, Unrepentant Schmoop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-24 22:08:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10750788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oooknuk/pseuds/oooknuk
Summary: Ray's first Christmas after leaving Chicago





	God rest you, merry gentlemen

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All characters you recognize will belong to Alliance. No infringement of copyright intended. Not for profit. 
> 
> Warnings: pure sap, language. m/m kissing. Song fic, goddammit! (but not Sarah McLachlin) 
> 
> Note: This is for Sasha, because she asked for it. Actually she asked for something somewhat naughtier, but hey, Christmas - presents, tinsel - not leather clad bodies. Not in this Universe! This is a sequel to "When a door closes", and comes between it and "I'll show you the man". It is part of my Alternative Universe series, where Fraser doesn't come to Chicago, and he first meets Ray Kowalski in Norman Wells 
> 
> My thanks for Nancy and Sasha for beta

I think it is fair to say that Ray and I were both glad to leave Chicago and return to Norman Wells after a hectic fortnight of packing, farewells and other impedimenta related to Ray's decision to come and live with me in Canada. The main chore was emptying his parents house and putting it in the hands of an agent for sale - his brother was unable to come up to help, and was happy for Ray to make all the arrangements. Most of Ray's own furniture he disposed of, but there was an essential core of belongings which he insisted he had to have. We both traveled down as lightly as possible and returned burdened with clothes, CDs, one or two books, precious photo albums, private papers and other material he didn't trust to the transport company. Farewells in fact took rather less time than one might imagine - a single colleague, some elderly relatives, and a couple of friends were the only people to whom he felt inclined to announce his departure, and only his former lieutenant was graced with an actual visit. The man had assisted in the investigation surrounding the murder of Ray's father to a degree far beyond what Ray had expected from his co-workers, and the person who was responsible for the death was now in jail awaiting trial.

As for me, I helped him pack and deal with the winding up of his parents' estate, and sort out immigration details, and did a little hand holding when his nerve deserted him and he suddenly remembered what an enormous step he was taking. I also paid a private, unofficial visit to Inspector Meg Thatcher at the Canadian Consulate to thank her for her assistance in the investigation and liaising with the Chicago PD. She brushed off my thanks, and pretended my visit was of no moment to her, but she was pleased, I could tell. There was a little - just a little - regret on my part for opportunities unfulfilled, but I found it hard to wish things other than they were, with Ray coming to live with me. His mercurial nature constantly surprised and often delighted me, drawing forth sparks from my more stolid temperament. We argued and just as quickly made up - Meg, being also volatile, was a more ... persistent personality. I somehow knew a life with her would have been less quicksilver and the strains more long lasting - something that would have given neither of us happiness. No, I would not have changed things for the world.

Ray took me to see his lieutenant - by mutual agreement at the American's home rather than his station house, where Ray felt an outcast. The fondness of the big man for my partner was touching, as was his strongly expressed wish that Ray had remained a cop. "I could do with you now, Kowalski, and that's a fact. Between Huey and Dewey using their three brain cells between them thinking of new plans for their damn club, and every decent officer I got either on sick leave or just leaving, I don't know why I don't just close the place down and say 'Gone Out of Business'."

"I wish I could oblige you, boss, but no way. You don't know what it's like up North - it's... it's big, clean - so much space. No crime ..."

I cough. "That's not strictly true, Ray,"

"I was _going_ to say, no crime worth mentioning, Fraser. And the people, wow - friendly. Everyone knows everyone in Canada."

"That's not strictly true, either," I point out.

"Close enough."

Welsh looked almost envious. "And you're happy up there, Ray? I know you had some shit to deal with down here, but is moving the answer? What about friends, your family - maybe getting married again? Who can you meet up there in a little place like that?"

I had to look away. "Boss, you don't know the offers I've had. There's some good looking single people up there and trust me, I ain't lonely." I resisted the temptation to kick the little tease under the table as he gave his friend the impression he was the local Casanova.  
 

Dinner with Welsh was our last duty in Chicago and we flew back to Norman Wells the next day. Ray unpacked his belongings into our bedroom and into the spare room which had been designated for the anticipated overflow, while I opened the post. I was reading a letter from my sister when he wandered back out, bored with his task and looking for coffee and cookies. "Who's that from?" he asked with his mouth full.

I declined to answer until he swallowed. "Maggie. She's got her roster arrangements for Christmas and for once, she's actually off on Christmas Day and New Year. She's inviting us both for the week."

"Greatness! That's perfect ... no?" he said, seeing me shake my head.

"Unfortunately, part of my being able to arrange leave at such short notice to go with you to Chicago was that I had to agree to work Christmas. I can be free at New Year."

"Oh." His face fell. "Better call her and let her know then."  He said no more about it. It was unfortunate but something I had grown used to over many years. Christmas was as often spent working as not, and usually alone - I had yet to spend a Christmas Day with my entire family, or even Maggie's. I knew that Ray was aware of the realities of police shifts so there was no need to explain things or apologize.

He collected Dief from Charlie MacDonald and we took him for a walk before I dropped into headquarters - all had been quiet in my absence. Constable Stuart greeted us politely and invited us to supper which we gratefully accepted. It was a rare week when we didn't eat at his home, or he at ours. Ray promised to bring him some CDs that he was welcome to borrow - until Ray's stereo arrived in a few weeks, he couldn't play his music. I was secretly grateful for the respite - I had a sneaking suspicion Ray liked his music loud. However, it was a small price to pay for him living with me.

Now we were all settled and unpacked, I decided it was time to call Maggie and let her know how we'd got on, and to answer her invitation.  She was pleased to hear from me, and after I'd said hello to Margaret and Caroline and Robert and been given all their news, their mother was allowed to retake the phone.

"Maggie, thanks for the invitation but I'm working on Christmas Day - I won't be free until December 29."

"Oh darn - I was hoping this year, for once ..."

"Yes, I know. Ray was looking forward to it too."

"Ben - is there any reason he can't come up without you and you join us for New Year? If you're working, it won't be much fun for him, and the kids would love him to be here."

"There's no reason, and I'll ask him. I'm sure he would have a brighter Christmas up there than down here. Yes - that's an excellent idea."

Ray didn't think so. "Fraser - it's our first Christmas together and you want to get rid of me?"

Oh dear - I kept forgetting how insecure Ray was about our relationship, something that was entirely my fault for mishandling things early on. "No, not at all. I was thinking of the children actually - you know I've never managed to get there for Christmas Day, and I was hoping you might act as my emissary."

"Your what?"

"My messenger. You know - to take our gifts, and my love, represent me. I will be working the whole time - the most I could hope for would be to take a couple of hours off to eat dinner with you, and Christmas isn't that important to me any more. It would be nice to be there, but New Year is the event I prefer to celebrate - I confess I'm rather superstitious about it. Now that, I would absolutely insist on spending with you - it would be terribly bad luck for us not to."

He looked a little mollified. The more I thought about it, the more I thought it would do him good to go up there. Now he was part of my family, I wanted him to build strong bonds with the other members, and what better time than Christmas? If I wasn't there, he would get the full focus of the children's already great affection for him, and perhaps their attention would compensate for my absence - and that of his parents.

I let him think about it for a day or two. There was no hurry - we were a month from Christmas itself. I started to give some thought to gifts for the family - I had done a little shopping in Chicago and procured some luxuries not readily available in Inuvik or Norman Wells. Ray was a little more difficult. I wanted something special, and that meant handmade, but concealing my activities  was nearly impossible. I had to wait until he was visiting Constable Stuart or Charlie before I could work on his gift.

Finally he announced that he would, after all, go to Inuvik for Christmas. I hadn't reckoned on his conscience though, and the minute I got off the phone to Maggie, he started to worry about how I felt about being left on my own. "Ray, it's nothing unusual for me, I assure you."

"Fraser - is this or is this not the first Christmas where you have been part of a couple?"

"Well, yes ..."

"So why the hell doesn't it bother you? It'd bother me, if you took off and left me behind."

He started to pace and his voice was getting louder, a sure sign of intense agitation. Time to nip this in the bud. I came over to him and put my arms around him. "Ray, calm down. If I'm truthful, I really wish there was some way you could be with me at Christmas and go to Inuvik as well. There isn't, so I think this is the best compromise. And anyway, so far as wanting you with me, Christmas is nothing special. I couldn't want you more just because it's a holiday."

"Sappy bastard, Ben."

"Language, Ray," but I smiled in response to his happier expression. "So, do you understand? Will you go, do us proud?"

"OK. But what the hell will I get everyone?"

"Ah, well now. You're on your own on that. You're welcome to sign joint cards on what I purchased in Chicago, but I warn you, the children have a somewhat literal approach to things. Two uncles means two gifts each."

"Now why did I think that would be the case?"

Ray went remarkably close-mouthed after that about the whole gift question, not even asking me what any of my relatives might possibly want, which I had been expecting him to do. Packages arrived for him which he rapidly took charge of and concealed, something I found endearing - I'd never been in a relationship long enough for my lover to have to conceal gifts from me, and it brought home to me how lucky I was to have found my Ray. In truth, no gift was greater than he was, but I knew my partner well enough to forbear from expressing such 'sap'. Honest emotion, I called it when he wasn't listening.

He flew up the day before Christmas Eve, laden with bags and cards and good wishes to carry to all and sundry. He insisted that I open his gift on Christmas Day and not before, so I extracted a similar promise from him regarding my own to him. However, we had engaged in some pre-Christmas lovemaking which even as I watched him board the place for the short flight to Inuvik, was warming me with the memory of it. I allowed myself a twinge of regret at not being able to make love on Christmas Day proper, promised myself a New Year's kiss - and more - and returned to work. I would see him in a week's time.

 

* * *

Even as I got on the plane, I still wasn't convinced about this whole not being with Fraser for Christmas thing. To tell you the God's honest truth, I was scared shitless. Christmas hadn't been something I'd looked forward to since I was thirteen, right before my dad and me started the usual teenage arguing gig and carried right on through me being a cop. The rotten irony of it was that this would have been my first Christmas when I wasn't with the PD, so we might have actually enjoyed ourselves for once. The only problem with that was that Dad went and got himself killed, and Mom got the splinter just after - kinda ruined the whole family get together thing. It wasn't any better when I was married - Christmas at Stella's parents was like being sent to the Principal's office. I used to spend the whole time wondering what I had caught between my teeth and whether I'd used the wrong knife. After the first couple of times, I used to ask for Christmas duty and not tell Stella it wasn't compulsory most of the time - hell, we were gonna argue at Christmas anyway, I may as well get out of being with her tightass Mom and Dad.

Aw fuck. Why did I let Ben talk me into this, with all this shit about being his missionary? I don't belong up here - whatever he says, I'm not family, and I'd be an embarrassment to Maggie when her friends came calling. "Oh who's that? Your brother's male lover? Isn't that wonderful?" Not. And what were her kids  gonna say at school - they'd tell the other kids about their two uncles and that'll get them teased, and no matter how liberal and kind the teachers are, someone's bound to start asking the wrong sort of questions about how Maggie's raising them.

Crap. Too late now, short of jumping out with a parachute. I could just turn around and tell Ben ... no, that's just as bad. Next time, Kowalski, remember it's up here for thinking, down there for dancing.

I had to wait for my suitcase - I had way too much stuff for carry-on, and then Maggie's there. She swooped me up in a big hug and I got a kiss on the cheek, which was nice - Maggie is a good looking gal and my ego is pitiful enough to enjoy being smooched in public by a pretty lady Mountie. "Hi, Ray. So glad you decided to come." And then I was being attacked by the junior Mackenzies.

"Ray! Ray!"

Robert and Caroline were competing for who could make the most noise but there was one shy little three year old who'd got into my heart and I picked her up.  "Hey there, Margaret. Remember me?"

"Ray," she whispered and wrapped her arms around my neck and wouldn't let go until we all got to Maggie's jeep, and even then she wouldn't so I sat in the back with the other two.

"Mum! Ray's got presents, look!" Robert shouted, right into my ear.

"Manners, Robert," Maggie corrected automatically as I tried to restore my hearing.

"You have got presents, you do, haven't you, Ray? Look at all your stuff!"

"Nah," I lied. "It's all clothes."

Caroline poked a bag. "That doesn't feel like clothes. It's wrapped up."

"Groceries," I said with as a straight face as I could, ignoring the grin from the driver I could see in her mirror. "Your mum wanted some, uh, flour. And canned beans."

"Carrots," Maggie contributed.

"Yeah. Carrots."

"Oh yuck, why did you bring carrots?" Robert asked in a disgusted voice and I really had to pinch myself not to laugh.

"It was your uncle Ben's idea. He said, 'Ray my friend,'" in my worst Ben voice, "Robert's eye sight worries me. You have to take him carrots. And, and ... liverwurst."

"Liverwurst. Euww," Caroline said.

"It's true. Word of a Chicago Police Officer," hoping they would forget I wasn't a cop any more.

"Mum, Uncle Ben didn't send any presents," Caroline complained.

"Well, I'm not surprised. It's a wonder he ever visits at all, you mercenary lot. Come on, hop out."

Margaret was still clinging to me like a limpet, but there were plenty of willing hands to take in the suitcase and bags which may or may not have had carrots in them. Maggie supervised and made sure that no holes were 'accidentally' made in sacks, or the suitcase opened. She shooed the kids outside, and asked the older ones to take Margaret with them. "Still a shock to the system, eh?"

"Well, I never had much to do with kids before, but I love yours, you know that."

"Well, I'm _almost_ sure their enthusiasm for your coming up was not entirely because of what you might bring with you. We better hide all this, I guess."

Between us we managed to get all the presents up into her high cupboards. "Heard from your mum lately?" I asked her as we were finishing.

She sighed. "Yes - actually from Dad. Mum's had flu - they thought they might fly in for Christmas but there's no chance of that."

"And the other thing?"

"She's still clear, thank God." Maggie looked a little down and I knew what it's like to worry about your Mom being sick. I put my arms out and she let me hug her. "Sorry, I don't mean to spoil your holiday talking about the family."

"That's what I'm here for, Ben says. I'm his missionary."

She gave me a funny look. "I'll have to ask my brother just exactly what he's planning to convert us all to. Right - lunch?"

"So, what's the plan?" I ask the kids, who'd already made it clear that my sole purpose as far as they were concerned was to entertain and be with them for the whole time I was here. Suited me.

"Well," Caroline said solemnly. "Mum said we had to show you how to build a proper Canadian snowman, an' then we have to find a tree, an' then ...."

"And then, we're going to show you the lights!" Robert announced excitedly.

I looked at Maggie. "Oh, it's very impressive, Ray. You won't have seen anything like it," she said with an almost serious expression.

Right. "An' then, after supper, we're going to decorate the tree an' then, an' then ..."

"You'll all be in bed and Ray can have some peace and quiet," their mother said cuttingly. I didn't mind, really - sounded like good clean wholesome fun.

"Ray, can you sing?" Caroline asked.

God help us. "Uh, I can hum, does that count?"

Maggie explained. "There's a carol singing service tomorrow night, we were going to go. Do you go to church?"

"I'm Catholic, if I'm anything. Not for a long time, though. Does that matter?"

"Not if it doesn't bother you. Oh, but you should look at the Catholic church up here, it's famous - the Igloo Church. People come from all over to see it."

Whatever. Buildings aren't my thing, but I was happy to be a tourist. I was happy to do anything just so this all went nice and smooth.

Canadian snowmen are, surprise, surprise, a lot like American ones. "But it's _better,_ Ray," Robert insisted, just as the nose fell off.

"Oh, yeah, I can see that. It's as plain as the nose on his face," I said and got a snowball thrown at me for being a smart ass. Well, Canadian snowmen might be superior, but they hadn't grown up on the mean streets, and what I don't know about dirty tricks in the snowball chucking department ain't worth knowing. Even with the three of them and Casey who'd just come home, it was a while before they got me. "No fair, four against one. You wait till your uncle gets here, he'll learn you," I threatened dusting snow off me and shaking it out of my hair.

"He'll fight with _us,_ " Robert said with total confidence. "We're _his_ family, not yours." I grinned but it wasn't funny. He might be right for all I knew. Maggie noticed that my smile was a tad forced but said nothing, just raised an eyebrow and I shook my head.

"OK," she said, "the tree. I have it on good authority that Ray here is an expert on tree finding so he's in charge. Any objections? Fine. Ray?"

An expert, was I? Who set me up for that? I don't know my Norwegian spruce from my Dutch Elm disease, but how hard could it be? Plenty as it turned out. We were above the tree line here - I was thinking Maggie would just haul one out of her yard or something. But no, we had to do like in Chicago and actually go into town and buy one. OK - this I could do. Maggie was looking at the cheaper ones, and even I could tell they wouldn't do. Caroline was screwing up her nose and Robert was saying "They're horrible" under his breath so his Mom wouldn't hear. Then Margaret pointed one out - and it was the right one. It was also fifty bucks. "It's too ..." Maggie started to say but I interrupted her.

"We'll take it, " I said to the guy, handing over the money and ignoring the protests.

Maggie tied it to the roof of her jeep with her lips pressed tight. "Ray - it's too much. You can't go spending that sort of money on a tree."

The kids were in the jeep already but I kept my voice down anyway. "Maggie - this is the first Christmas I've spent with any family - not just yours - in years. And in my book, you gotta have a big tree. It's not for you, it's for me. But look, if it bothers you, take it back. I don't want to hassle you - I just thought it'd be nice, that's all."

I start undoing the ropes but she comes around to my side of the car. "It's important to you, though, isn't it?"

"I can live without it," I answered, not looking at her.

She put her hand on my arm to stop me. "It's a lovely tree." She gave me a smile and I had to forgive her - man, that family and its smiles.

We almost forgot to stop and admire the Christmas lights - a few store fronts and a Santa and sleigh picked out in lights. After my screw up over the damn tree, I didn't mention that most houses in Chicago would put something better up on their lawns - and you know, the way the kids were all so excited, I could just about see how this was magic. It was pretty, that's for sure.

Then we drove back. Casey was a little stunned at what we'd brought back, expecting a three foot high dwarf and getting a seven foot high monster. I saw Maggie signaling him to let it go and not ask, so he just came and helped us untie it and get it inside. It looked terrific, it really did, and the kids were bouncing up and down with excitement. Finding something to stand it in was a problem - they hadn't planned on something so tall - and watching Casey race around trying to find a big enough bucket to counterbalance it, I felt guilty again. What was I doing - trying to buy their approval? Now the kids would expect a tree that size every year. Well, fuck it. If they did, I'd just send Maggie the money for it and call it my Christmas present.

We ate supper, the kids clearly bursting out of their skins to get decorating. "It's a fine tree," Casey said and I felt I had to apologize.

"I know it's bigger than you planned...."

"No, I think it's perfect, Ray. Thank you kindly - it was a great thing to do for the children." Maggie looked at him gratefully, and then at me, and I felt I had passed a test. But I would have to watch stuff like that - didn't want them to get the impression I was throwing my big city weight around.

Maggie bathed the kids and got them in their PJs before she pulled out the box with the decorations in it. Casey was in charge of the lights, and I was allowed to put the highest decorations up since I had bought the 'normous tree' as Caroline kept calling it. The gewgaws were nothing compared to your average American family's tinselly sparkly stuff - but the way Maggie carefully handed each angel, each candy cane out, told me that these were special to her, and because of that, to the children. "Your mom's?"

"And my grandparents. Some are new - you always get one or two broken." She wasn't sentimental about them, but the kids watched the tree get prettier and prettier and they were so excited, it was like the Christmas town lights all over again - somehow the tree looked like the fanciest, brightest one I'd ever seen. It sure was the most fun I've ever had dressing a tree.

And then the big moment. The kids sat back in a row and Maggie and me sat on the sofa as Casey cut the room lights and then switched on the tree. "Ohhh," the three kids went, and we adults grinned like loons. "Thanks, Ray," Maggie whispered.  Casey came and sat with us, and gave me a nudge.

"Wow, Mum, it's the best tree," Robert said, the way kids in America would have said 'Awesome'.

Margaret came and crawled onto Maggie's lap. "Story, Mum?"

"Yeah, Mum," the other two joined in.

"I'll fetch it," Casey said and got up.

I stood too. "I've, um, got some things ... can I use your phone?"

Maggie gave me a long look. "Sure  - you don't have to go, you know."

"I know - I just ... want to talk to Ben."

She nodded. Casey came back in with a book. I slipped into the kitchen and called our house. No answer - I tried the headquarters and got him.

"Hi Ben, it's me."

"Ray! How are things?"

"Oh, you know - snowmen, tree trimming, all that stuff. Maggie's reading them a story."

"You should listen in - she's a wonderful reader."

"Yeah - well, maybe some other time."

"Is something wrong, Ray?"

"Wrong? No - I miss you, that's all."

"It's only been eight hours," he said and I could imagine his little smile as he said it.

"You counting?"

"Naturally. Every second." He covered the phone, and I knew someone had come in. 'Look, I better go. I'll try and call you tomorrow, OK?"

"OK. Love you."

"And I you, Ray."

He hung up. I stood at the doorway, looking at the happy little family in the dark room, lit by fairy lights and a single reading lamp behind Maggie's head. Casey's arm was around her shoulder, and the kids were piled any old how on  top of them. It looked like heaven on earth. But not mine. I took a shower and hid in the bedroom until the kids came in. I was supposed to sleep in the living room, but Caroline had put her foot down and said I couldn't because Santa Claus wouldn't come if I was there. No arguing with logic like that, so I was sent to sleep on the floor of the kids' room. I didn't mind, it was kinda nice, actually.

I cleared out while Casey put them to bed, and joined Maggie back in the kitchen. "We were going to open some wine in your honor - do you want some?"

"That would be great, thanks."

I waited for her to pour me a glass.  "Is everything ok?" she asked, handing it to me.

"Yeah - I'm just tired."

"Ray, I'm sorry about the tree - I don't know where my manners were."

"It's no biggie, honest. I was out of line, I should have let you decide, it's your house, your Christmas, your family. I'm a guest - shoulda kept my mouth shut."

She frowned at me. "Is that what you think? Ray - you're Ben's partner. If you could get married, I know you would be. That makes you family in my book, and Casey feels the same. You aren't here on sufferance - you're here because you belong, just like Ben does."

"Aw, hell, Maggie - you've only known me for five minutes.  You don't have to say stuff like that."

I didn't want to look at her but she put her hand under my chin. "Ray Kowalski, _no one_ makes me say stuff like that. I knew pretty much from the second I met you that you were a good man, so did Ben - so did Casey for that matter. You think I let just any old person play with my kids, or baby-sit them? You're their uncle as far as I'm concerned, and my brother in law. And if you want to spend fifty dollars on a tree for your nieces and nephews, then you go right ahead. The only person who was out of line was me, and I apologize. All right?"

"All right. I accept your apology, even though you don't need too." I sipped some more of the red wine - it wasn't bad. "It looks okay, doesn't it?"

"It's lovely - the children think it's magic and I can't imagine what Ben will say. You know he never had a proper Christmas tree when he grew up?"

"Get out!  Really?"

"Oh yes - they used sea buckthorn, he told me."

"Now that's deprived."

We moved back into the living room and Casey joined us.  We talked about the kids, about Casey's contract work. They asked me about Chicago and how the move had gone. It was nice - comfortable. They were the easiest people to talk to I'd ever met . And what Maggie had said about me being family - I didn't really believe it, I didn't feel it, but it was more true than it ever was with Stella's family, that's for sure. It was damn nice of her to say it.

Maggie had the early shift in the morning so we all went to bed by nine. I wasn't lying when I said I was tired - I'd worked myself up over coming up here and then over the damn tree. I should've just learned to chill. It'd have been easier if Ben had been there. But then, what wasn't?  
 

There are ways to wake up which you don't want to repeat. One is with a gun to your head. Another is with a jealous boyfriend shouting at you. Being jumped on from a bed by sixty pounds of sturdy five year old sucks big time too, and if Caroline had been a little better shot, and I'd been lying on my back and not my front, no one would ever worry about me sharing a bed with Ben again because I'd have been the original eunuch. She winded me good and then Robert decided to 'save' me by pounding on my chest. "Gerroff!" I managed to yell and got out of their way. "God ... darn it, kids, that ain't buddies. You nearly killed me."

I realized that I was at a serious disadvantage here - no glasses, no clothes on, just Ben's too big long johns, and on the floor. I was a sitting duck. I saw Caroline about to launch another attack so I put my long years of detective training to use and got the hell out of Dodge. She bitched at me when she hit floor and not Kowalski. "Serve you right, you terror. Leave off, will ya?"

"Caroline! Robert! What are you doing?"

I blinked at Casey. "Oh good, the cavalry. Could you like, kill them for me, or something?"

He grinned. "Or something. Kids, leave him alone. Ray? You can get dressed in our room if you like - Maggie's gone to work. You lot, get dressed now and then get your breakfast."

I staggered out with my clothes into the master bedroom and dressed. Oh my back - did I say I wanted kids? I'd be deaf and battered in a week.  The gang were all chowing down and didn't look like the little mass murderers of twenty minutes ago. I was getting wise to them though - on the outside, all sweetness and light, and on the inside, pure sadistic brats. With milk on their chins. Casey fed and wiped and chided like it was second nature to him. I needed coffee before I could handle any of it - fortunately he's as big a caffeine addict as me and the pot was already brewed. "Ray, can I ask a favor - I've been offered a few hours work and I'd like to take it but it means someone has to mind the kids ..."

"No problem. Can I tie 'em to the chairs while you're gone? Unless you've got handcuffs, they'd be good too." There was a chorus of 'Ra-ays' at that.

Casey laughed. "I've got a better idea - there's a Christmas fair in the town center with crafts for sale. You could walk down there, buy lunch. If you get tired, there's a taxi service in town - it's only four fifty."

"Great. That okay with you kids?"

By the noise they were making, it seemed it was. Casey called the guy offering the work and took off.  The children were in no hurry to finish breakfast which let me drink two cups of coffee and start to feel human.  I was grateful they were so self-reliant. Only Margaret needed help getting her coat and mukluks on, and it was Robert who helped her. All I had to do was herd, not wrangle.

The children chattered all the way into town - I really hadn't understood before how much effort was involved in following three childish conversations, from three different ages, at the same time  and my admiration for Casey and Maggie went right up. My ears were ringing by the time we walked the mile and a half into Inuvik proper. The weather was cold, of course, but dry - too dry, and I was dying of thirst by the time we got there. I treated us all to hot drinks at 'To Go's' before we dropped in to say 'hey' to Maggie behind the desk at the RCMP headquarters. She walked with us to the fair - just a few stalls in one of the hotels but there was a magician putting on a show for the children at eleven. She left me to get on with it, but said we should come and meet her for lunch at twelve, and when we'd had enough, she'd run us home. She was due to finish her shift at three, I figured we might be able to hold up that long - Margaret being the only one likely to be tired before then. "You don't mind, do you?" Maggie asked before she left.

"No - just don't drop dead and leave me with them. I never knew being a parent was such hard work."

"You're a natural - got to run. See you in a couple of hours."

The crafts were good quality - I picked up a whale bone carving for my sister in law which I could send her as a late Christmas present, and a tie pin for my brother. The kids were bored - no toys - and they dragged me back into the cold again because they insisted I had to see the 'Gloo' - the Igloo Church.  Well, if someone had've told me back in Chicago I'd be taken to church by three kids, I'd have wanted to know what they were on. The church was pretty - pretty weird - and inside there were the funkiest holy pictures I'd ever seen. The church I went to as a kid was your normal traditional stone building, all dark and wood and candles and stuff. This was light and airy and beautiful. Peaceful. I was taken all the way around with Robert telling me the stories behind the pictures, which were a little different from I remember from the Stations of the Cross when I was being taught by the nuns, seeing how he was making them up out of his seven year old brain, but I think I liked his version better.

Back to the hotel for the magician who the kids thought was pretty cool and I thought was way cheesy - but I wasn't the target audience. Margaret thought the rabbits were nice, and Robert wanted to practice cutting Caroline in half when they got home - I stepped on that real quick. Not on my watch, he wasn't. Jesus - it was a wonder that Maggie and Casey weren't gray - these kids were taking ten years off my life just sitting there watching a show.

Lunch with Maggie was like being in a washing machine - sound coming from all directions and not making a whole lot of sense. I concentrated on feeding Margaret and let the other two try and explain to their Mom how the magician had "really cut the lady in two bits, and there wasn't any blood and it was _coool,_ can we do that too? Ray said we can't but I reckon it's _easy._ "  Maggie rolled her eyes at me. I defended myself. "Hey - don't blame me, the magician was your idea."

"Well, if you could keep the dismemberment to a minimum until I get home, I'd be grateful."

"You don't _have_ a chainsaw, do you?"

"Not that I'm admitting to."

"Oh good."

She looked at her watch. "I've got to go back to work. Are you going to hang around in town or go back?"

Caroline and Robert immediately insisted they wanted to go home because I could read to them. "There's your answer."

"Do you want a lift?"

"We're okay - might have to give this one a carry though, hey sweetness?" Margaret tucked her head into my arm.

"That's fine - I'll be home at three so you've only got to last that long."

I swung Margaret up on my shoulders and we walked back.  The magician was the prime topic of conversation, although Robert had worked out that no one was getting cut in half today, and instead was trying to work out how the magician had produced the rabbits and birds and scarves. Caroline knew. "It was magic, silly." Robert was almost old enough to realize that couldn't be the answer, but I wasn't going to be the one to burst his bubble any more than I was going to break it to them that Santa Claus didn't exist. Santa came up of course, and they all wanted to know if Santa visited me in Chicago and if I didn't have a chimney, how did he get in?

"Well, you see, we had a flat roof so he parked the reindeer up there and came down the roof hatch."

"Yes, but how did he get inside your apartment, Ray?"

"Well, I don't know. He did though, mostly, unless I'd been real bad and then he didn't leave anything for me."

"Really?" Robert had never heard of Santa actually carrying out this threat.

"Oh yeah - some years, I was bad and then no presents for Ray."

"Why don't you go home to your mum and Dad, Ray? Don't they miss you?" Caroline asked.

"No, honey, I told you, they're in heaven with the baby Jesus."

"Andy Miller at school said that about his grandma. But everyone knows she's just dead," Robert pronounced.

"Well, that too."

"Your mum and dad are dead?" he asked, horrified. Oh crap.

"Yeah, they are."

"They must have been really _old,_ Ray. Are you really old too?"

"Ancient. On my last legs. So old, I don't think I can make it any more." I clowned around, pretending like I was giving up and they raced me a way up the road, and stopped talking about dead people which was what I was hoping they'd do. Maggie and Casey could explain about parents dying before their time - that was something I did _not_ want to touch.

I fixed them cookies and milk and Maggie came back while we were all eating. "You made it then. Thanks, Ray. It means a lot to Casey if he can get these jobs here and there."

The carol service was at six, so Maggie made the kids a light supper before we left. Casey was running late so he dived into the shower without stopping to talk and then he drove us all back into town to the Anglican church - there are five churches for three and a half thousand people in Inuvik. That's a lot of praying. It was packed,  and there were a lot of children - they'd made a special effort to decorate and it was bright and glittery in a way I knew my church when I was a kid would never have managed. I didn't have to do much, just sit and kneel and stand when every one else did. It was pretty informal, not like I remembered Mass, and it was nothing like a Catholic service. The carols I knew and I could sing those the same as anyone else. That was the problem. Too familiar. About half way through, they started to sing 'Silent Night' and I flashed on Mom, singing it to us in German as we sat next to the tree in our house when we were kids. Mom had a lovely voice - it was our Christmas treat. Dad would light the tree and then Mom would sing 'Stille Nacht' - I never did figure why she sung in German when she was Polish. I found the German words were coming out instead of the English so I stopped singing, and then it was just too much. My eyes were starting to blur up on me.

"Excuse me," I said to Casey and pushed my way out of the pew. Thank God we were near the back of the church. I went outside onto the porch. Stupid fucking tears. It hurt - my chest was so tight. I tried not to cry around Ben, it's not a guy thing, you know? But Jesus, I missed Mom and Dad so much.  To die like they did, for so little, it was dumb and unfair and I really wanted to hit someone.

"Ray? What's wrong?"

"Nuthin'," I said to Maggie in a choked voice, but when she put her arms around me and hugged me, I just sobbed like a girl, leaking water all over her coat.

"Shh, it's okay," she kept saying, but now I'd started, I couldn't seem to stop.

I cried for what felt like half an hour - probably only five minutes, but it seemed longer. I felt like an idiot. "Christ, Maggie, I'm sorry," I said through a blocked up nose and eyes too red and wet to see with properly.

"Here," she said, and damn me if she didn't give me a hanky just like the ones Ben carries. I blew my nose. "Feeling better?"

I started to say yes, but shook my head. "Not really. Go on back inside, I'll wait here. No point you missing out."

"Ray, I've done this a dozen times, and you're upset. Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"

I shook my head again. "Nothing. Go back inside, Maggie."

"It's your parents, isn't it? Robert was telling me about you mentioning your mum and dad."

"It just came out, I'm sorry ..."

"Good heavens, Ray - it's nothing to be ashamed of. It hasn't been three months, has it?"

"No."

"Well, there you are. Holidays are the worst. Would you like me to drive you back - I can pick Casey and the kids up later. "

"No, I don't want to make a fuss. I'll wait here."

"You'll freeze. Come into the vestibule."

We stood together in the little closed off entrance, the sounds of the service drifting over us. "It was 'Silent Night'," I explained. "Mom used to sing it for us."

"So did mine."

"I love that song - but I can't hear it now without thinking of her." Shit. I blow my nose again to hide the tears. She held my hand until we could hear things were finishing up. By then the cold had reduced my swollen eyes a bit and she assured me that no one could tell. Still felt like a fool. We stood aside and let people past. Casey and the kids piled out with the crowd.

"Ray? You missed 'Oh come oh ye faithful'," Robert said mournfully.

"No I didn't - I could hear you just fine out here."

"Why did you go outside? It's cold."

"Ray's not feeling well, Robert, and it's rude to be so nosy." I think Casey realized what had happened but he didn't say anything. The kids sang bits of carols all the way back. I felt cut off from everything - like I was at this wonderful feast and I had no appetite. These wonderful people had welcomed me into their home, but because of my parents dying, I couldn't enjoy it. Because my lover wasn't with me, I couldn't talk to anyone about it either.

With the big meal coming up the following day, Maggie wanted to not overdo things, and served a plain stew for supper. I wasn't hungry but I made myself eat so I wouldn't look more obvious than I was already. I was raining on their parade and I had to try and be cheerful for the kids' sake. I was just helping Casey clear up when the phone went - Ben.

"Ray? How are you?"

"Okay. We went carol singing."

"That sounds pleasant."

"Don't it just." I tried to sound enthusiastic but it came out sarcastic.

"What's wrong, Ray? You sound upset."

"I'm fine, Ben. Doing what you asked and playing Happy Families. You want to talk to Maggie?" I didn't wait and called her. I couldn't speak to Ben a second longer or I would start to cry again.  I went to go and hide in the bathroom but Casey was bathing the girls. Robert was on his bed reading. I had no choice but to sit in the living room in a dark corner and hope like hell none of the kids would notice.

Fortunately, they were all hustled off to bed with the traditional 'The sooner you go to sleep, the sooner Santa will come' (and I realized that it was going to be a _very_ early wake up call in the morning). Maggie was on the phone for a long time - I could guess what she was talking to Ben about. Casey was tied up reading a bed time story in the bedroom, so she could come and sit by me in privacy. "I explained to Ben," she said quietly, sitting on the floor near the tree.

"He probably thinks I'm a wuss," I said, trying to joke.

"No, I really don't think he does. You forget he lost his mother when he was six - it was pretty traumatic for him, so he said.  Did you know Casey lost his parents in a house fire when he was fifteen? He was raised by his aunt and uncle. He still cries about it sometimes and that was twenty years ago. Give yourself a break, Ray."

She held my hand again. "It's just ... Christmas, families - I feel cut out of everything, like it's wrong for me to be here. I shouldn't have come up - I'm just spoiling things for you."

"Rot. Absolute nonsense, Ray. The children are having a wonderful time, we really enjoy you being here. I just wish Ben were here for you to talk to, but I can tell you, we both understand why this is hard for you. I mean, a new relationship, new relatives - _noisy_ relatives who tried to kill you this morning, so I hear." That make me grin. "And your parents, that's very recent. Ray, we're family now. You don't have to pretend. You don't have to be nice and happy all the time."

"You two are. It sure isn't like married life was for me."

"We have our moments," she said drily. "Casey's done his share of sleeping on the sofa, and I've thrown the odd cup or three. Yes, it's good, but we're human beings. I bet even Ben has bad days."

"One or two."

She smiled at me. "You see? Just be yourself. Would you like a glass of wine from that bottle we opened last night?"

"Give the man something stronger, Maggie," Casey said, coming out of the bedroom. "He's had our monsters all day - he deserves a Scotch."

"Wouldn't say no, that's for sure."

It was just a blend - Canadian, a bourbon really, and I silently apologized to Charlie who would have a fit after all the time he's spent teaching me about the genuine single malt Scotch whiskies if he saw me drinking this. Hit the spot though.

We chatted about nothing much and then Casey decided his bat-eared children really were sound asleep enough for us to risk getting the presents under the tree. Between Maggie's and Casey's presents for the kids, and the kids' presents for them and me and Ben, and presents from me and Ben to them, and Ben's to me - well, it was quite a show.  "Good thing you got the big tree, Ray - the one I was looking at would have disappeared." I think it wasn't until then that I thought it was Christmas really. Maggie stood with her arm about Casey and we all just looked at it - thinking about three excited little faces in the morning and feeling warm inside.

I had a lot of trouble sleeping that night - too much to think about, but I dropped off about two. I woke up to the sound of whispering and a little poke on my head - not hard but there. I opened an eye and thought I must be dreaming because there were three little elves sitting in a row, cross-legged and looking straight at me. Both eyes - not elves, kids. "You awake, Uncle Ray?" Margaret asked.

"Nah."

"Come on, Uncle Ray. Dad said we can't go out in the living room until you're awake and come with us."

Gee, thanks, Casey.  "Did your Dad say you could wake me up?"

"No, he said we mustn't," Robert said virtuously.  "And we didn't, did we?"

Well, strictly speaking ... they hadn't. Not like they had yesterday, that's for sure. "Tell you what - you hand me my jeans and then we can go see what Santa brought you."

I shushed the 'Yays' knowing that their parents were trying to sleep, and pulled my jeans on as quick as I could - I could remember being tortured by being made to wait to look at the tree when I was small and it sucked. "Okay. Off you go."

There was no way I could stop Robert's 'Wow' or Caroline's squeal of delight, and even Margaret said "Look", in an awed little voice. I put my finger on my lips. "Can we open one, Uncle Ray?" I noticed I had suddenly become 'Uncle' now I had the power of present opening.

"I think your mom and dad probably want you to wait for them - so why don't you go get them?" I figured they were probably awake, and if not - tough. Christmas is for getting up before dawn, everyone knows that.

Caroline and Robert flew into their parents bedroom yelling "Ray says to get _up,_ Dad!" Margaret wasn't real sure what she should do, so she hung onto my arm and waited.

Maggie emerged in a dressing gown, being dragged by her son and daughter. "Thanks a whole bunch, Ray," she groused.

"You're welcome. Where's Casey?"

"Getting his gun - you're in _big_ trouble, mister." But she sat on the armchair and told the kids to wait a minute more, and then her husband came out and gave me a pretend scowl. "Ray, you can hand out the presents."

That stunned me a little - that was always Dad's job at home. I looked at her and then Casey and they both nodded. "Thanks," I said quietly. I started with Margaret and gave everyone a single present each. Caroline politely found Maggie's and Casey's one for me - a bowl made by a local artist. Beautiful.

The kids loved their gifts, even though they weren't the flashiest things I'd ever seen - sweaters, books, simple toys. I gave Robert a Cubs baseball cap (thanks to Lieutenant Welsh), Caroline a junior baseball bat and ball (Welsh again) and Margaret a stuffed tiger I'd bought last time I was in Lincoln Park and thought it would make a nice gift for someone and never got around to giving it to them. Casey scored a poncho - I told him later how I got that, and Maggie a CD I noticed last time she was missing to make her collection complete. I think everyone was happy - the thanks seemed real enough. I got drawings and something that was supposed to be a caribou that Robert made at school out of soap - it was the first time someone had made me something for Christmas that I could remember. Ben's gifts were practical, but they weren't carrots and liverwurst. Robert ticked me off for fibbing about that, and I told him next year he _would_ get carrots if he didn't shut up. Which he did - boy, does he not like his orange vegetables.

Maggie sat there smiling in a sea of carefully unwrapped paper which I knew would be folded up and reused, just like it had been before by the look of it. "What did Ben get you?"

I'd almost forgotten, watching the children. Robert found it at the back. "Here you are, Ray. It says 'To Ray with love Ben'."

I blushed at that but Robert didn't seem to notice anything odd about the card. Hmm, new paper. Pushing the boat out, Benton? Taking my cue from everyone else, and because I was being watched like a hawk since all the other gifts were undone, I took my time unwrapping it. It was heavy, and flat, so my guess was a book. It wasn't. It was a miniature chess set, carved in wood and inlaid with mother of pearl. "Oh my goodness, Ray - it's exquisite," Maggie said. I couldn't say anything. It was ... perfect. I looked at her. "Go call him," she said with a grin and I went out to the kitchen, still holding my precious gift.

I got hold of him at the station. "Ben - it's beautiful."

"Happy Christmas, Ray - I'm glad you liked it. I saw it in Chicago and thought of you immediately."

"Did you open mine yet?"

Silence. "Yes. I think I got the best deal, " he said in a funny choked voice. "Thank you ... I couldn't wish for a better gift."

Sappy. I'd snuck off and got my photo taken and arranged for it to be framed the afternoon he was visiting his pal at the Canadian Consulate. He'd complained he had no picture of me so I got him one. "It wasn't much - I couldn't think of anything else."

"No, no - it's what I wanted. I love you, Ray. I miss you, too."

"Yeah, well, only four days to go. The kids loved their presents, by the way."

"That's good. Ray - are you OK today?"

"Yeah. Got a bit much last night, that's all."

"It's understandable. You know you can talk to me about that - there's nothing shameful about grieving for your parents. You honor them by doing so."

"It's not fair on everyone up here, though."

"They don't see it that way. Maggie's so pleased you came - it almost makes up for me wishing you were here."

"I'm trying to do my best, Ben."

He chuckled. "Be yourself, Ray. That's quite sufficient. What time did you get woken up this morning?"

"Five."

"Good heavens."

"Got the 'rents up ten minutes later though."

"Only fair."

"That's what I thought. Ben ... I ... come up soon, will you?"

"I'll be there on Thursday morning and expecting you to meet me. All right?

"OK. Bye."

I felt good for having talked to him. I knew that picture of me was going to be by our bed when I got home. I'd also included the wallet sized copy the photographer had thrown in for free. I wondered how soon I could persuade Ben to return the favor.

Casey dressed and fed the kids and took them all out for a long walk. I cleared up the living room while Maggie got lunch started, then finished dressing. I wandered out into the kitchen and was handled a potato peeler and told to get to work. "That was fun this morning," I said.

"Yes, it was. I wish Ben had been there. Maybe next year."

"He says New Year's more his thing."

"Oh yes. I forgot to tell you about that - we're having some neighbors over for a bonfire. Hogmanay's much more important to us."

"Hogmawhat?"

"Not of Scottish descent, then, Ray?"

"You figure that out all by yourself, Constable Mackenzie?"

She laughed. "Hogmanay is just New Year's Day. My grandmother said that Christmas was for church and the rest of it was a nasty Sassenach festival.  Actually Mum celebrated both but when I found out about Ben, it was a sort of joke for us to make a thing of our Scottishness. Casey thinks we're nuts."

"Perceptive guy, your husband," and got whapped on the head with a wooden spoon for it. "That proves it - I must be family, no way would you be hitting guests."

"Quite right. You're making heavy weather of those potatoes."

This was pleasant, just sitting and talking and helping her cook. Mom never let her menfolk anywhere near the kitchen on Christmas day, and worked herself into a frazzle. Maggie was much more relaxed, and there wasn't half as much food as I would have expected. When I asked her why, she shrugged. "Food's expensive up here, and the children have been taught not to waste it. If I made a stack of unnecessary things, and there were left overs for days, it wouldn't give them the right message. Anyway, we're having turkey and bread sauce and pudding and brandy butter - all the essentials. The children won't feel deprived, you watch."

The turkey was in the oven and Maggie said the rest of them would be back soon. I had one more surprise - Christmas crackers. "Oh Ray - they're lovely. But you didn't need to."

I shrugged. "It was just an impulse thing in Chicago - I wasn't even sure what I'd do with them and then I got your invitation. Glad to put them to good use."

We set the table and laid the crackers on the plates. Maggie set out candles, and laid tinsel down the middle of it all.  "There - you see? As Christmassy as you could want." And she was right - it looked a lot more warm and friendly than Stella's parents house had with the gold and porcelain plates and the flowers and the fancy ribbons and decorations.  This looked like a place for a family - which it was.

The children squealed over the crackers and made us all wear the paper hats and tell the dumb jokes. Maggie was right - there was enough food, and no one, especially not me, thought anything was missing. The pudding was brought in on fire which made the kids squeal again - it was good too. "This is great, Maggie," I said, trying to not speak with my mouth full. "You're a good cook."

Maggie looked at Casey and they both burst out laughing. "What's so darn funny?" I asked, minding my language.

Maggie explained. "Uh, Casey made the pudding. You see..."

"Ever since she poisoned us one year with a badly preserved one ..."

"I'm not allowed to touch dried fruit, cakes or desserts of any type. Casey's in charge. I get the dead animals, he does the hard stuff."

"So you made the brandy butter?"

"No, I let her do it - I figured there wasn't much damage she could do with that."

Well, that'll teach me to make assumptions. Robert sat back in his chair. "I'm stuffed," he announced.

"Me too," I chimed in.

"So am I, " said Caroline.

"Mmmm mmm," said Margaret.

Maggie shook her head at us all. "Manners," she said disgustedly.

Casey and the kids and me cleared the table while Maggie made some calls to Ben and her mom. "That was the best ever," Robert said as we disposed of the turkey carcass - not even enough left for sandwiches.

"You mean the turkey?"

" _Christmas,_ " he said as if he thought I was brain damaged.

"It wasn't bad. What do you say, Ray?" Casey asked.

"I think it's a keeper."

"A what?" Robert asked, and I immediately got dragged into an explanation of American slang which kept us going all through the washing up. I got an education in Canadian too, which was going to come in handing for translating Ben, I thought.

The rest of the afternoon we spent playing board games and cards. We adults each dozed off at times, and Margaret ended up curled up on her mom's lap for a snooze. Robert and Caroline were pretty wired and managed to make sure at least one of us was awake enough to play. It was just a peaceful, hassle free day - so different from the Christmases spent arguing with Dad, or Stella, or attending another booze fueled domestic. Something else was different - they didn't have a TV, I realized. Casey wasn't slumped in front of it like 99 percent of American males would have been. No grinch, no Jimmy Stewart. And I hadn't even missed it until now.

"You don't like TV?" I asked Casey.

He grinned. "I love TV - but ours is broken. Maggie says she likes it the way it is now and I have to say I think I agree with her. Miss the curling, though."

"You must be outta your mind."

"You watch baseball - never got could understand that, it's a stupid game."

Host or no host, I was about to sock him one when I realized he was joking. "OK - you made your point."

"You can't joke about curling up here, Ray. It's a religion - a calling."

It's housework, I thought. But out of respect for Casey, I didn't say anything.

The day after Christmas was for calling on friends. The day after that, Maggie went back to work so Casey and me entertained the kids for the week. I got to know Casey real well then, and we talked some about his parents dying and mine. I think it was worse for him, losing them as a teenager, but he said there isn't ever a good time, and I had to agree. I asked him about being the house parent most of the time, and he said that it was what he really wanted. He wanted kids so bad, and he loved spending time with them. I knew that feeling - I could never convince Stella to agree, she wouldn't believe I could look after a child. And now I suppose I never would, unless it was these three.

"It's not all beer and skittles, though."

"What?"

"A bed of roses, easy - Caroline worried us sick for a year or so because she was premature and she had a lot of health problems. Every time you hear about a kid being hurt or killed, or dying of some disease, you think, that could be one of ours. I didn't get these gray hairs out of a box, you know," he said, pointing to a tiny patch of hair. "And then you worry about what they'll be like when they grow up - will they turn out back, or turn against you? I mean, look at Ben and his father. Good men, the pair of them, but they hardly talk to each other. After Ben found out about Maggie, and Maggie's mom, they didn't speak for over a year."

"My old man and me went for eight years without speaking over me being a cop."

"Hell - so you know what I'm talking about. I couldn't stand it if one of mine couldn't or wouldn't talk to me, but you never know what's in the future. So, you know, there's good and bad. You being the uncle now, you get the good mostly."

I had to ask. "You don't mind, me and Ben...?"

"Ray, you aren't the only gay couple we know. And Ben's a good guy - a lonely guy. Seems to me he could do a lot worse."

So much for me worrying what people thought.  
   
 

The week went faster than I thought it would, and before I knew it, it was Thursday and I was driving Maggie's jeep to pick up Ben. Got the biggest grin, and a nice manly hug in public, and a long smooch once we were out of sight. Dief got in a lick or two, but his master wasn't going to put up with competion with no wolf for rights to my face. "I missed you - have you had a good time?"

"Yeah - surprisingly. You gotta come up for Christmas next year, Ben - it's great."

He sighed. "Well, I'll try. It makes it easier to ask if you have children, that's for sure."

The kids were excited as all get out by Ben arriving, insisting on him opening their gifts to him five minutes after he walked in, and it was two hours before me and him could be alone together while Casey picked up Maggie and took them grocery shopping. "I forget every time how enthusiastic they can be - you must be a saint to put up with it," Ben said, flopping on the sofa with me curled next to him. Dief whined - he was pretty tolerant but the kids did overdo things with him. I patted him sympathetically.

"Nah - I just shove and yell back. They're good kids really. And I get to hand them back, which is good."

"The bloom gone off the idea of parenthood, Ray?" he said with an arched eyebrow.

"Let's just say I think it might be overrated as a past time."

"The tree is wonderful, Ray - Maggie said you chose it."

"I think you set me up for that, didn't you, Benton buddy?"

"I merely said you were likely to be more experienced in such matters than me." I didn't believe him.

He asked me all about what we'd been up to, and wanted to know all about the gifts given and received, and every detail of the dinner, like he was taking a statement. "My sergeant's wife sent me a dinner tray, but I think your meal sounds more enjoyable," he said sadly.

He got up and went to his bag, got out a parcel. "I wanted to give you this in person."

I took the little bag, surprised. "You already got me a Christmas present, Ben."

"This is more in the nature of a ... well, a gift to my lover for being you. Aren't you going to open it?"

So I did and looked at it carefully. "Do you know what it is?" he asked.

I nodded. "It's a dream catcher - I've seen them all over Inuvik. Did you make it?"

"Yes - I thought I might have to eschew the eagle feathers but fortunately the Eagle Repository was able to send me them in time."

It wasn't as fancy as some, and not covered in bright colors and feathers like the ones they sell the tourists. But it was made with love, for me, and damn, I was getting teary again. "Thank you.  I ... I don't know what to say ... I didn't get you anything."

"Yes you did. You."

I mock punched him, and then I kissed him. Wait. There was something I could give him, and I didn't know why I hadn't thought of it before. "Put your hand out, Ben."

He put it out palm up, but I turned it over and pushed his sleeve up, then fastened my silver bracelet around it. "Ray - this is ... you always wear this. I can't ..."

"I've had that since I was sixteen. I've worn it every day for twenty years, and I want you to wear it for all the time we're together. Maybe ... when we get to twenty years, you can put it back on my arm for the next twenty, and then we can fight about whose turn it is after that. Deal?" I always said I was a poet on the inside.

Ben put his arms around me and proceeded to damn near kiss me into unconsciousness. He probably would have laid me too if it weren't for the fact people around here have a bad habit of coming in without knocking, and Casey and company were due back any time. "Have I told you today I love you?"

"You just did."

"You wait till we get home - I am going to chain you to the bed for a week."

"Ooh, big bad caveman Mountie." I sat up. "Shit - there's the jeep."

We straightened everything up and got ready for the avalanche to hit us again.  Time for the family again.

 

* * *

Ray's description of Christmas made me wistful in a way I hadn't expected - it wasn't so much missing out on the children and the dinner, it was that it was Ray's first time seeing it all, and I wished I could have been with him for it. I was glad he'd enjoyed it, despite the sadness about his parents - gladder yet that I was with him now.  The gift of his bracelet - spontaneous and generous, like him - touched me deeply. It was such an intimate thing - I had never seen him remove it (except, ah, when I had to briefly lock him up as a murder suspect) and to see it was to see him. It was more potent as a reminder of him than the photo he had given me at Christmas. Like him, I planned to never take it off, although I would have to conceal it under my uniform at work.

Being in the bosom of my family was a joy, and the children made the most of the attention of we three men. The main task was building the bonfire for New Year's Eve. The children were to get special dispensation to be up at midnight to see it lit.  My contributions to the festivities were two bottles of Charlie MacDonald's finest whiskey and I was also to have the honor of lighting the bonfire when the time came. Casey had actually made haggis - I hoped he hadn't told Ray exactly what was involved. There was time to talk to Casey and to Maggie privately. From her I heard about Ray's Christmas.

"Ben, he's a pleasure, honest. I think the kids thought he was another present. But he's so sad - I want to hug him until the pain goes away."

"It'll take some time, Maggie. You know that. He's strong - many a man would have crumbled, but he kept fighting."

"I hurt his feelings, I'm afraid."

"Oh? What did you do?"

"He chose this lovely tree for the children - he could see how much they wanted a big one, and all I could think about was the price. He was thinking of them, I was thinking of the fact it cost as much as Casey earns in a day."

"It's genetic, I think. Grandma was the same."

"But he just ... he goes for the important things, you know? He knows that kids shouldn't have to wait to open their presents, he knows how shy Margaret is and gets her to come out of her shell. He can keep Robert under control far better than Casey or I can. I love him to bits."

I squeezed her hand. "So do I. That must be genetic too. I have to admit while he was in Chicago, I had nightmares about him changing his mind about living up here. I couldn't live there, that's for sure. It's like being in prison."

"Something else we have in common. All I can say, Ben, is that if Ray loved me the way he loves you, I'd follow him to ends of the earth."

Did I mention that my sister is an intelligent woman?

 

* * *

New Year's Eve was never my favorite time when I was a cop. The thing that makes it fun for everyone else is booze and being silly and drugs usually  - for police officers, that means drunk drivers, violence, accidents, kids left alone while Mom and Dad party on down, fires in houses where kids have been left on their own. I hated it. So I really didn't have much idea about what it was going to be like this year. What it was was an early supper and bedtime for the kids, so they could be woken up later on for the bonfire, and a light meal for us adults before setting up for the party. Ben was deputized to read to the children before they fell asleep. Casey was making snacks and boiling up the sheep gut (Ben thought I didn't know what was in the haggis - Charlie let me in on the secret and trust me, you don't want to know). Maggie and me moved the furniture and put away the breakables, put up some lights. It was well below freezing whichever scale you used, but she and Ben kept going on about how 'mild' it was. Yeah, right. Adjust your clothing before leaving, ladies and gentlemen, unless you wish to lose vital parts of yourself.

The bonfire was just crap Casey had stored all year, with some extra junk lumber he'd picked up on the odd job here and there. The Mackenzie bonfire was a big deal - the town had a festival in a couple of weeks to 'welcome back the sun' but Casey and Maggie's little party was thought to be more fun by a lot of people. We were expecting a hundred or so, mostly ex-pat Scots or people with Scottish blood, but everyone was welcome, including some of Maggie's Inuit friends who like a party as much as the next guy.

People started to arrive around nine. I got to play barman which was good because I could meet people - I was a major attraction, everyone wanted to know about the American cop. I must have told my story thirty times that night. Ben was whisked off by the local RCMP boys for an hour or so and then by a bunch of other people he knew, but he bobbed up every now and then to say hi to me. Maggie and Casey circulated, made sure everyone had a glass but not too much to drink, and food.  Most people were out in the yard, which I personally thought was insane but no one seemed to mind the cold too much. I was having a great time, except I wished I could have spent more of it with Ben.

At quarter to midnight, Casey told everyone to get their drinks and head on outside, then he and Maggie woke the kids up and wrapped them up warmly. Apparently it was tradition for Ben, being the oldest of the family present and therefore the 'head', to make the speech. My guy has a fine voice for public speaking and used it.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my friends, my family - Casey, Maggie, Robert, Caroline, Margaret -  Ray. " I looked away when he said that. "The end of another year is upon us and we look back over our successes and failures, our joys and our sadnesses - our losses and what we have gained." He looked straight at me and I felt all warm inside. "I 've been thinking about how we live in a harsh environment up here, one of the harshest on earth. I recently made a trip to America and visited one of its finest cities. The people are wealthy, the buildings are tall, and life is full. But I tell you, I wouldn't trade a minute living here in the Territories for a year in Chicago. We're lucky people, you and I, and tonight of all nights, we should think about our good fortune and count our blessings. In a minute or so, Casey will begin the countdown. Thank you."

I thought Ben was going to stay where he was but he pushed his way around the circle as Casey announced the thirty second countdown, and then people started to chant back down to midnight. Ben reached me with three seconds to spare and wrapped his arm around me. There wasn't time to be nervous and as people started to shout 'Happy new year!' I was on the receiving end of a Canadian special, kissed until my toes felt like they were sizzling.

I looked around - everyone was too busy to notice. Oops - something was missing. "Ben, the bonfire!" I yelped, seeing he was lost in looking at me.  He jumped a little, then picked up his torch and it was lit by a smoker near by. He let go of me long enough to walk over to the fire and throw the torch onto it, which made it catch immediately. People cheered as it blazed up.  Then, holding me firmly around the shoulders, he opened his mouth and I knew what he was going to do. Ben can get embarrassed about the strangest things - singing in public isn't one of them.

His beautiful clear male voice rang out loud and clear over the sounds of the people and the crackling of the flames.

Should auld acquantaince be forgot  
And never brought to mind

And then linking arms, people joined in, even me - hey, I know the words, who doesn't, at least to the first verse. But Ben knew the rest of them -

We twa hae run about the braes,  
And pu'd the gowans fine;  
But we've wander'd mony a weary foot,  
Sin' auld lang syne.

As I joined in the chorus, I wondered what the fuck all that meant. But Ben wasn't the only one getting teary eyed. He sang the next verse solo as people listened:

We twa hae paid I't in the burn  
Frae morning sun till dine;  
But seas between us braid hae roar'd  
Sin' auld lang syne.

He took my hand for the next one, and even though I didn't understand a word of it, I knew what he was saying - and what he was telling people

And there's a hand, my trusty frien',  
And gie's a hand o' thine;  
And we'll tak' a right gude willy-waught  
For auld lang syne.

Everyone seemed to know the last verse (well, it is about drinking) and they bellowed it out

And surely ye'll be your pint stoup,  
And surely I'll be mine!  
And we'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet,  
For auld lang syne.

And then, right there and then with a hundred people, old people, kids, RCMP sergeants and the rest, watching, Benton Fraser kissed  me on the lips, complete with tongue action, totally ignoring the catcalls and the whistles. He let me go after about a million years. "Fuck," I said, my knees gone wobbly and my dick about ready to bust my zipper.

He gave me a big grin, and another peck on the lips. "Happy New Year, Ray."

I grinned back. It sure was gonna be a _great_ New Year.


End file.
